All Things Right and Beautiful
Hey kids!
I promised, and here it is, the very first chapter of my new novel. It's an introduction to most of the almost lovable characters in the story and a charming little yarn of its own accord. Hope you like it and hopefully you'll be able to get the rest of the story one of these days at your local bookstore.
-Joe
Prologue
This is the story of a man named Vernon, his two dogs he named Doc and Purvis (for unknown reasons), his young, attractive and completely vacant niece named Elise who came to live with him, and the ghost of a man who died in Vernon's house from a brutal bludgeoning in 1964. The ghost doesn't have a name, really. He's just dead but recurring, like a bad relationship.
A few other characters may drift in and out of this story, but ultimately it's about Vernon. Vernon was going through what pop psychologists would call a mid-life crisis, what philosophers might refer to as a time of existential awakening and examination, and what Vernon's ex-wife Rita called a goddamned fool-headed bunch of mish-mash. Rita really isn't in the story. She's recurring like the ghost, but she's not dead--she's just a bad relationship.
I should add the story also includes Vernon's neighbor. His name is Leonard, but he calls himself "Spook." But he's not the ghost, or dead, or even necessarily recurring. He's just in a punk band and he thought the name gave him some sort of credibility. Spook and Elise have sex a little later, but that's not important for now. Rita had left Vernon, and that is important because all Vernon had to his name as a result were his two dogs named affectionately (and mysteriously) Doc and Purvis.
Doc and Purvis were both neutered mutts. Rita once said she couldn't tell between Doc, Purvis and Vernon because all three came from poor breeding, stank when wet and had no balls. Vernon resented Rita for statements like that, which is why when she moved out Vernon intentionally dropped her box of collector plates marked "fragile."
Doc and Purvis knew about the ghost. They had seen him with his bloody and misshapen head lurching through the house, presumably looking for some sort of peace with eyes like eight balls and an agonizing limp from his shattered femur. The dogs liked the ghost. He smelled faintly of rancid meat. The dogs liked rancid meat.
Vernon didn't know about the ghost, but he did know about Elise who was in the process of moving into his guest bedroom for the summer. Vernon's sister, Kelly, and her husband decided Vernon needed comfort in his time of isolation and loneliness and they believed that the best cure for that would be to ship their eternally shiny and happy daughter to him under the pretense of some sort of cheerleading clinic. Vernon didn't much care aside from the fact Elise had already opened every blind and curtain in the house so every room was glaringly bright and everywhere she went had the faint odor of bubblegum and some sort of perfume. Doc and Purvis didn't much care either, except for the bubblegum smell. They couldn't smell the ghost when Elise was around.
"Uncle Vern, can I put up some posters so my room feels more like home? I know it's only for a few weeks, but I really feel like I'm far away from home right now." Elise asked things with too much explanation and always unconsciously showed off her legs, Vernon noticed.
"You are far away from home," he answered.
"Yeah, I know, but I need to feel like this is my home, not just a house. I need to be able to stay positive or I'm just going to fall apart at cheer camp," she said still showing off her legs.
Vernon didn't really know the difference between a house and a home. Of course he had been married. Married to Rita no less. All the things he had relished about being at home--walking around with no pants, smoking in his easy chair, falling asleep on the couch--had all disappeared within the first years of his marriage. Everywhere he went felt like a hotel now. He mostly kept his head down and didn't try to make any changes to anything, except when he dropped the box of plates. But that wasn't exactly to make a change.
"I don't care," Vernon shrugged.
"Oh thank you Uncle Vern!" Elise squealed as she threw her arms around her uncle, brushing her full chest and firm legs against him. Then she bounded up the stairs to her room.
Vernon shook his head. How people got ahead in life wasn't a mystery to him anymore. The Elises of the world got through by giving hard-ons to as many people as they could. The Ritas of the world got through by feigning pregnancy during their senior years of college and getting married to the Vernons. The Vernons got through just because they didn't know any better. The ghosts got through because they were Vernons who just didn't know better even after they were dead.
Vernon didn't realize he was a Vernon. The ghost knew Vernon was a Vernon. The ghost even knew the ghost was a Vernon. The ghost just didn't much care. The dogs liked having him around either way.
Vernon was in love. This was only the second time in his life he had been in love. The first time he had been in love was with Rita. He knew he had been in love because Rita had told him he was in love. It was right after she had told him she was pregnant and right before she told him to marry her. He had taken her word on the first and last things in that conversation, so it made sense to take her word for the love thing, too.
Vernon sat in his easy chair in front of the television, which was still turned off. He was thinking of Janice. Janice was the other woman Vernon had fallen in love with. She was a waitress at the cafe where Vernon had breakfast every morning. He knew he was in love with Janice because she always smiled widely when he came into the diner. She always called him names like "hon" or "sweetie" and even gave him free coffee when her manager wasn't around.
Vernon wasn't used to people being nice to him. Janice was always willing to chat with Vernon in the morning. She'd tell him all about what she had done the previous day and about her little dog, Pitsy. She had told him about her ex-husband and how she had moved away after she realized that he didn't love her for who she was anymore and how all she really wanted was a man who would listen to her and respect her.
Vernon would just smile and listen and nod. He admired her. He believed everything she said and thought that she was a wonderfully complex and fascinating character. He also admired her sturdy form. Janice was on the shorter side with bright eyes and wide curvy hips and a full bosom. She had dyed her hair dirty blonde. Vernon liked dyed hair. Rita had refused to dye her hair and when Vernon asked once, she told him to mind his own goddamned business. Vernon also liked how Janice smelled. It reminded him of a jewelry box his mother had kept on her dresser when he was a boy.
Vernon looked at his watch; Janice had just gotten off work. Vernon sighed. He had wanted to drop by at some other time than breakfast, just to say hi. That and he liked how she would chat with him and would always make sure his coffee was full and hot. Love was a sweet thing, Vernon decided.
Doc and Purvis sauntered through the living room, but Vernon didn't even notice. Doc and Purvis were looking for the ghost. They had just been shooed out of the kitchen by Elise who was fretting over some little thing. Doc had been first to pick up on the scent and Purvis was content to follow his comrade.
They found the ghost standing in the enclosed porch area, looking out. Their tails wagged happily as they flopped down on the wooden floor. The ghost just looked at them and gurgled through his crushed windpipe.
The ghost enjoyed looking out the window of the porch. Of course, he didn't see what Doc and Purvis saw. He didn't even see what Vernon or Elise saw. The ghost stood and watched as things were outside. The ghost didn't much care what was happening outside, he just liked seeing things that still existed and did existing things. Sometimes existing things just meant they hadn't stopped existing yet. That was part of the reason the ghost was wary of Vernon. He wasn't sure if Vernon existed or had stopped existing. The ghost suspected that Vernon did exist, at least in a minimal way, but he hadn't been sure until the day he had watched Vernon drop Rita's collector plates.
The ghost knew he didn't exist, except for a faint odor that kept the dogs as his constant companions. He didn't much care if he existed. He hadn't cared when he had existed and now that he didn't, he had found himself free to observe existing things. Of course the constant torment of his hideously beaten and battered frame left something to be desired, but, he reasoned, it was still better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
Elise was trying to find her other cheerleading shoe. She had followed Doc and Purvis, suspecting they had smuggled it off and were in the process of chewing it to little bits. Upon imagining this Elise had felt herself thinking negative thoughts and had even stamped her foot in frustration. She had caught herself just in time. She took a deep breath and counted to twenty, just like she had learned in her favorite book, 40 Steps to a Happier You! by Margaux Maddux. Elise didn't go to church, but if there was a God, she believed She would happily stand behind everything Margaux Maddux said.
In Chapter 9, called "Finding Your Inner Strength", Margaux (Elise felt she knew her so well she wouldn't mind if she used her first name) had said, "The key to getting past negative thinking is realizing that you've got potential. It's your own inner value that makes you who you are and only by valuing yourself can you realize that potential. The only barrier you have to your dreams is your own negativity. When you find yourself doubting yourself and letting circumstances eclipse your inner beauty you've just got to stop, stand straight, take a deep breath and count to ten. Then blow out all that bad, used up air because that air is your negativity. Negativity is just a piece of your inner beauty that you need to let go of so you can take more in."
Elise thought that paragraph should be put on every school newspaper, annual, wall and locker in the world. She had even thought about getting a tattoo that said that, but then she realized it wouldn't fit on her ankle, so she got a butterfly instead. She had adapted Margaux's approach to negativity and had even added ten seconds to the time she should count. She had told her best friend back home, Missy, that if counting to ten was enough for normal people to get back in touch with their inner strength, then she would have to count to twenty, because she was naturally such a positive person that she'd have to work harder to get back.
Elise exhaled the air in a steady rush. She told herself it would be okay because if Doc and Purvis had gotten the shoe, then there would be little scraps and pieces of it around. She hadn't seen any, so it was probably just underneath something. She started looking for it again, starting in her room and working her way out. Sure enough, it had been hidden underneath a fluffy, pink overstuffed teddy bear she had just unpacked. She quickly got her uniform on and headed out. She was so happy and excited that cheer camp was about to begin. She loved the campus where they'd be working out and she loved her room and Uncle Vern was nice and there were so many things to be happy for. She gave the bear a big squeeze and then bounded down the hall and out the door.
She almost ran over Vernon on her way out the door. Vernon had been getting the mail and had been absent-mindedly looking over a flyer advertising carpet shampooing when he suddenly felt a pair of firm and soft arms wrap around his waist in a squeeze. Elise was grinning so widely her eyes were almost little slits. She pressed her ample chest into him and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "This is going to be so much fun, Uncle Vern," she bubbled before she scampered on down the street.
Doc and Purvis looked up from their sprawled position on the floor with a look of minor irritation. Not only had their naps been interrupted, but now all they could smell was bubblegum and perfume. The ghost watched Elise indifferently. She jumped and hopped around so vigorously, but the ghost knew it was the lightest feathers that danced the most in the wind. No one was going to confuse her for anything more substantial than a feather anyway, the ghost figured.
When the ghost died in 1964 he had decided then and there to stay in the house. He hadn't thought his spirit would haunt those who had taken his life. He really didn't care too much that he was dead. If he had it to do over again, he probably wouldn't have chosen being beaten to death, but at this point it was inconsequential. The real reason he had stayed was because he wasn't fond of moving.
He had lived the better part of his life in that house except for a brief stint when he had moved to Cincinnati, Ohio. He hadn't cared much for Cincinnati and figured wherever he would be shuffled off to in the afterlife wouldn't be much of an improvement over his own house. He believed that if he would go to heaven it probably wouldn't be much better than Cincinnati. A lot of people made a fuss about going to Cincinnati before he had died in 1964, and it hadn't much impressed him, so why should heaven be any different?
The ghost dragged his dead leg and broken body down to the basement. He heard Doc and Purvis whining softly at the basement door when they realized they couldn't follow him. The basement is where two men had bashed in his brains back in 1964. It's also where Vernon kept his shotgun.
Vernon's shotgun sat on a dusty old workbench. It still had both barrels loaded and was covered with an old oily towel to keep it somewhat clean. Rita had hated the thing and forced Vernon to stash it away in the basement when they were married. Vernon really hadn't had a use for the shotgun until he was married, and then Rita had made him take it to the basement.
It was shortly after he and Rita had been married that he decided he was going to kill himself. He wasn't going to go out killing his wife and various other guests or family members like the folks he had seen on the news. Vernon had been quite rational about it, in fact. He had an extended "to do" list, mostly written by Rita, and the last thing on the list was, "Go to the basement and use shotgun." When he had written it down a few years ago Rita had just rolled her eyes and said, "You damn well better refinish those chairs my father gave us before you start doing your own little errands."
Refinishing the chairs was next to last on the list.
Lately, Vernon had been making progress on the list. Beside each completed task was a little red checkmark to indicate that it was done. Only three items didn't have a check by them: refinish the chairs, use the shotgun and build plate rack. Vernon had scratched out the plate rack item the day after he had dropped Rita's collector plates. He figured she wouldn't appreciate the effort anymore, anyway.
The ghost had seen the list and seen the items slowly shrink. First the gutters got cleaned, then the window in the attic was replaced, the garage and shed had been cleaned and neatly arranged and so on. The ghost wondered how long it would take Vernon to refinish the chairs. He didn't suspect it would take him long to use the shotgun as it took for the other items because the shotgun was really the only task that Vernon himself had felt strongly enough to put on the list.
The ghost wasn't too sure what to think about Vernon blowing his own head off in the basement. The ghost had thought about it quite a bit since he had seen the list. Knowing his luck, he reasoned, Vernon wouldn't have any ambition to go off to heaven or hell or wherever he was supposed to go when he died. That meant the ghost would have to share the house with Vernon. The ghost didn't mind sharing with Doc and Purvis--they were agreeable and didn't do anything but follow him around. Vernon, on the other hand, would probably want to sit down and have a chat. He'd probably want to sit and talk about that harpy of an ex-wife, or that waitress he'd been obsessing over lately, or something. Even if he didn't want to talk, the ghost didn't even like the idea of having to be seen by someone else. The ghost didn't like the idea of having to share the dogs either, but it was more the principle of the thing.
The ghost had been there almost thirty years before Vernon and if anyone had earned squatting rights, it was him. If Vernon was going to kill himself, he'd have to go home with Elise, the ghost decided. She was his family, and even if she wasn't aware that he was tagging along, it was her responsibility to find a place for him. The ghost felt himself getting frustrated. He started to think about Margaux Maddux and all her "inner beauty" bullshit. The ghost would have been just as happy if he hadn't heard Elise reciting that nonsense over the phone like some sort of mantra. "Negativity is just a piece of your inner beauty that you need to let go of so you can take more in." The ghost shook his head. Total bullshit, he thought.
Vernon was making a new friend. Once or twice a week he'd get a letter from his new friend and he'd have to scrawl his signature on something or call someone else to get some information. His new friend's name was Peter. Peter was an attorney. Peter was Rita's attorney. Rita didn't talk to Vernon anymore, but as soon as she stopped calling and writing, Peter began to talk to Vernon. Now everything Vernon had to say to Rita he was supposed to tell Peter instead. Vernon had called Peter yesterday to ask Rita if she knew where his good pants were. Peter said he didn't know and asked where was the last place he had seen them. Rita would have told him to leave her alone and close the door on his way out. Vernon already liked Peter more than Rita.
Vernon wondered if he was supposed to be in love with Peter now. After he had dropped her plates as she was stomping out the front door, Rita had yelled, "I'm the best thing that ever happened to you, you sorry piece of shit! You'll be sitting here all alone and then you'll realize how much you love me and then it will be too late!" Since Peter was supposed to be Rita now, Vernon wondered if he was supposed to realize how much he loved Peter. Vernon was getting a headache thinking about it, so he scrawled his name by a little 'x' on the form Peter had sent him and put it back in the envelope.
Doc and Purvis came and lay down by his feet. They had been scratching at the basement door for a few minutes and whimpering. They did that sometimes, but Vernon didn't much care. They seemed to like him enough and he could talk to them without having to call Peter. He scratched Purvis behind his ear absent-mindedly. Purvis just leaned into Vernon's hand and let his tail flop around happily. Doc yawned and then started licking off a plate Elise had forgotten by the chair.
Vernon looked at the clock. It was official; he was seven hours late for work. He was pretty sure he still had a job even though the office had stopped calling to see if he was coming last week. Vernon was an insurance claims adjustor. He got to tell people that their possessions were officially stolen, broken or defective and that they wouldn't be worth what they thought. He didn't go into the field much. His position mainly involved filing paperwork, sending out forms and talking to people on the phone that did what he did in little grey cubicles in Omaha.
The company had flown him out to Omaha once. Rita wanted to stay in a nice hotel, so Vernon paid the extra money to get a nicer place. A lot of people in the office talked about how nice Omaha was. Vernon hadn't cared much for Omaha, but Rita got to go shopping every day and sit in the hot tub every night. She even let Vernon sleep in the bed with her one night.
Before Rita left, she made Vernon go with her to see her therapist. Vernon didn't know why he had to go see Rita's therapist, but said he didn't mind if Rita went to see his proctologist. Rita told him to go to hell. Vernon just shrugged and followed Rita like Doc and Purvis followed the ghost.
The therapist was in her mid-thirties and had dusty brown hair. Her eyes hid behind a pair of large rounded eyeglasses. She had her hair tied up in a little bun like an old school marm. Vernon told her so. Rita just rolled her eyes and let out a sigh of disgust. The therapist just peeked over her eyeglasses disapprovingly.
The therapist took out a book from her desk and handed it to Vernon. It was called 40 Steps to a Happier You! by Margaux Maddux. She said Vernon was unhappy and he was putting unnecessary strain on Rita. Rita and the therapist had discussed it at length and decided Vernon needed to have an intensive psychiatric evaluation, but until that time he should read the book to make Rita's life more bearable.
Vernon opened the book. It had chapter names like "Appreciate You!", "Beauty and Finding True Happiness", "Finding Your Inner Strength" and "Unleashing the Power of Your Positive Potential." Vernon asked if the book was an anthology of titles and headlines from women's magazines. Rita slapped Vernon in the arm. The therapist smiled with a syrupy disgust and told him to go home and read the book so his poor wife could have some peace of mind. She then told him to leave her office so Rita could talk more about him when he wasn't there.
Vernon didn't want to read the book. He was pretty sure he didn't like Margaux Maddux just from the picture and description printed in the back of the book. She had glossy lips, forged in an eternally over-enthusiastic smile and bright eyes. She reminded Vernon of the picture that Rita had included in her resumes where she was trying to look like a competitive, goal-oriented team player. At least that's what Rita had put as her personal description. Vernon thought that Margaux Maddux probably wouldn't dye her hair, either.
The caption below the picture said in part: "Margaux Maddux: author, singer, actress and public speaker has presented her message of health and beauty to millions of people in over 35 countries and her work has been translated into 15 languages.
"Ms. Maddux was a successful public relations representative for a major California theme park and resort. Her life took a dramatic turn when she learned she had a brain tumor. The doctors gave her only six months to live, but Margaux refused to give up. Margaux launched herself into a rigorous journey of spiritual awakening and self-discovery culminating in the release of her best-selling autobiography A Better Me, A Better You. Within six months of its publication, Margaux Maddux was recognized as the foremost authority in what she calls 'positivity and strength through inner healing and beauty'. What's more, the same day A Better Me, A Better You sold its 500,000th copy, Margaux was declared in full remission.
"Her second book, 40 Steps to a Happier You! , is already being heralded as one of the most important books of the year. Already in its 12th edition, 40 Steps to a Happier You! has already helped millions of people worldwide. Now that you have your copy, you could be next. Get ready for the life-changing effects of 40 Steps to a Happier You! "
Vernon didn't want to just throw the book away. The therapist had charged him for it through Rita's bill. Last time the therapist gave Rita a book it had cost Vernon $80 for a skimpy 160 page paperback. He figured that since this book was over 250 pages, it would likely cost him over a hundred dollars. If she was going to charge him a hundred dollars for a paperback, it should at least be something he could read on the toilet, he figured. His niece was having a birthday soon, he recalled. Vernon decided she was going to get a hundred dollar book for her birthday this year.
This is where Spook comes into the story. While Vernon was debating whether he had his insurance job any more, Leonard, or Spook as he told everyone to call him, was in his garage rehearsing. He had his ancient and cracked electric guitar plugged into his big, staticy and Promethean amp. Spook liked to think of it as Promethean, at least. He envisioned himself as being the new disaffected prophet for an era that traded in its blood for bubblegum.
He was trying to get his band together again. They called themselves "Relative Faction" until they broke up a week before. Other than Spook "Relative Faction" featured Chad and Luis. Luis played bass and Chad was going to play drums when he had enough money to buy a drum set. For now they all set up in the garage and Chad just hit things together. They had broken up when Spook accused Luis and Chad for selling out after he saw them hitting on Vernon's niece, the cheerleader. It really didn't bother Spook that much, but he thought he had to maintain the image of "Relative Faction." Cheerleaders definitely weren't part of the "Relative Faction" mystique.
Since then, Spook had a change in vision and decided they should be a rock-a-billy punk band instead of the jazz-funk-fusion punk band that "Relative Faction" had been. He also had thought of a new name for the band. The band's new name was "The Chalupa Ponies" and their first album was going to be called "Never Mind the Sex Pistols, Here Come the Chalupa Ponies." After that he was going to do an album called "The Midnight Ride of the Chalupa Ponies." Then he was going to leave the band to do solo work.
Spook always had these things planned out in advance. His hopes for "Relative Faction" hadn't quite come true. He was hoping to impress an aspiring model/actress from school named Stacy and then show her how much cooler it was to be deep and brooding. Stacy had said Spook was cute after their show at a house party. Then Spook got drunk and Stacy's boyfriend beat the piss out of him.
"The Chalupa Ponies" were going to be different. Spook didn't care about Stacy anymore; he liked Elise. She always showed off a lot of leg when she talked to him and she took longer to say things then she needed to. Spook knew the signs and he knew that Elise was actually deeper then she let on. Deep, hot cheerleaders who dug him were definitely part of "The Chalupa Ponies" mystique, or at least he thought they should be.
He saw her reading this book all the time. He checked it out at the bookstore; it was in the "Self Awareness/Spirituality" section. She would be impressed with his brooding, artistic nature and then they would get together and then she might give him a hummer. Spook knew that acting deeper and more insightful than other people would pay off in the end.
Spook started firing off the chords to the new Chalupa Ponies single he was writing called "Political Maniacal." He craned his neck so he could look out the garage window into the neighbor's house. There was a window that ran along the hall of Vernon's house. Sometimes Spook was able to see Elise bounding back and forth while he was playing.
What Spook didn't see was the sour expression of the ghost who was looking out the window at him. Doc and Purvis were sitting behind him, watching him curiously. The ghost gurgled in disgust. Once when Vernon was out of town, Spook and his little band buddies had broken into the basement. They must have been stoned out of their minds because they sat down there for nearly three hours chanting some incoherent silliness trying to conjure up the ghost. The ghost had watched them for a while and then gone back up to look out on the porch, but their chanting was carried through the ancient heating ducts so it echoed through the house. It got to the point where the ghost wished he could be conjured just so he could give them a good licking. The ghost had never heard of such a thing: breaking into someone's house and chanting to try and call a ghost.
The ghost secretly wished Spook would elope with Elise so he could be left in peace with Doc and Purvis. Doc let out a yawn and stretched out. The back screen door opened and Vernon yelled for the dogs. They both took off for the backyard leaving the ghost to himself. With a final menacing gurgle, the ghost left the window and Spook to go to the basement.
In the basement the ghost saw the four unfinished chairs sitting on a plastic floor cover. There was a can of varnish and a package of sandpaper lying on one of the chairs. The ghost also noticed that the shotgun had been cleaned. The ghost just gurgled an irritated sigh and relived his murder again. One of the idiosyncrasies of being dead was he was forced to relive his beating whenever he didn't have anything better to do. Suddenly it was a cool evening in August 1964 and the ghost was suddenly looking at a hammer flying directly into his face.
Vernon was busily sanding away at the chairs in the basement when he heard a flurry of feet coming down the stairs. He looked up to see Elise, clad in her skimpy cheerleading outfit and three other nubile girls in similar dress. "Hi, Uncle Vern," she bubbled.
Vernon nodded in acknowledgement.
"Ohmigod, I had this great idea, Uncle Vern. Some of the other girls from out of town don't have any family or anything around and so I thought that they could just stay here. It would only be for a couple nights a week and we'll be quiet, I totally promise. I thought we could help around with cleaning and stuff to help pay for it. Please, Uncle Vern, it would mean so much to me."
Vernon was still trying to catch up with all the words that had just flown from Elise's mouth. By the time he realized the words "Um, okay," had slipped from his lips Elise and her friends had already made a shriek of excitement and raced up the basement stairs. Vernon sighed. He wished Janice were still at work. He wanted someone to chat at him and keep his coffee hot.
Elise and her friends Krissy, Karen and Shanice, bounded out the back door into the yard. As they spilled onto the back lawn, Elise noticed Leonard (she didn't know she was supposed to call him Spook yet) peeking at them through the window. She thought he was cute. Not in a handsome way but in an awkward and shy way. He always tried to act like he was cynical and bitter, but Elise thought deep down he just had too much negativity. If she could just make him read Margaux Maddux, he would start playing happy songs. That thought made Elise smile; she liked the thought of telling her friends back home about the cute boy who she got to write pretty songs.
She smiled at him and gave a little wave and a wink. She saw his cheeks color red and then his head duck away from the window. She thought it was kind of sweet.
Spook saw her look at him. He saw the little look she gave. He knew beneath that syrupy sweet exterior there was a tigress waiting to be let out. Girls always dug the musician types; that's why he became a musician type in the first place. That and musician types weren't expected to do homework. He just needed an opportunity with her. He sat down and began working on a new song that would be just for Elise. He'd been thinking about it for a while, but now he knew that's what he needed to do. It was going to be called "Sweet Piece Elise".
The day began as innocently as any other day. The ghost stood on the porch with Doc and Purvis sleeping at his feet. He watched night things exist. Then he watched early morning things exist. The paperboy hurled the newspaper at the front step. Doc and Purvis woke up when the paper made its hollow thud on the front step. They both stretched and yawned and scratched. They sat with the ghost for a few more minutes and then got up and wandered around the house.
Purvis found the shoe first. It smelled like leather dipped in bubblegum and perfume. Purvis gave it a few tentative licks. Doc nudged in beside him and started gnawing on the shoelace. Purvis tried to push Doc off and began to chew on the toe. Doc growled and nipped at Purvis and Purvis decided to go back and sit with the ghost. Doc began to chew contentedly. Out of the corner of his eye he saw seven other shoes just waiting for him.
A couple hours later Vernon was awakened by a series of shrieks. He thought about seeing what it was about, but then he realized he really didn't care. Seconds later there was a frantic pounding on his bedroom door. Vernon exhaled deeply and rolled out of bed. He felt his hair sticking up straight on one side of his head. Rita would have made him comb it before she would have let anyone see him.
Vernon opened the door. In front of him were four girls standing in various forms of pajamas, faces ashen, eyes red and mascara running. Vernon wondered why they still had mascara on.
"Uncle Vernon, look," whimpered Elise as each of the girls held up a pair of shoes. Each pair had some sort of damage. On one, the toe had been chewed up. Another the tongue was ripped out. The sole was partially torn off another. Vernon stared at them through blurry, sandy eyes.
"They're ruined. They're all ruined," fumed another girl. Vernon didn't remember their names.
"What are we supposed to do, Uncle Vernon? We need these for cheerleader camp. We can't go with these. I know Doc and Purvis didn't mean to chew our things, but we don't have anything else we can use." Vernon realized that Elise even sobbed in a bubbly way.
"What are you going to do about this?" demanded another one of the girls.
Vernon just stood there, examining the shoes. "Um, I can buy you some new ones?"
"You just can't buy these anywhere, you know. I had to special order these!" fumed another girl.
"Um," was all Vernon could say.
"C'mon, we're all being so negative. We can try and find some new shoes. I'm sure we can get by just for today. Uncle Vernon said he'd pay for new ones. It will all be fine," said Elise putting on her brave face as she herded the girls back down the hallway. "We don't have to be there until after lunch today, anyway. Why don't you guys go out looking for some shoes now and I'll see if I can work something out with the ones here, okay?"
Vernon watched them walk down the hallway. He felt like he should feel bad, but he really didn't. If anything he thought it was kind of funny. Special shoes for cheerleading? He remembered a boy in school who had a clubfoot that needed special shoes. Maybe cheerleaders all had clubfeet, he thought. He thought about getting breakfast and seeing Janice, but decided that going back to sleep would be his best way of avoiding the angry club-footed girls down the hall.
Elise tried to keep a positive attitude in front of her friends. When they had gone she sat in the porch and cried for a few minutes. The ghost watched her for a few seconds. The ghost thought cheerleading shoes were silly, too. He thought crying over cheerleading shoes was very silly. He thought about reliving his murder again so he wouldn't have to listen to her sobs, but he decided to go back to the basement instead.
Elise kept repeating over and over in her mind what Margaux Maddux had said. "When circumstances in your life seem to make everything difficult, just remember: circumstances are just the fertilizer that beautiful flowers need to grow!"
Vernon had actually read that section before he had sent it to Elise for her birthday. He told Doc and Purvis about it. He told them that this crazy lady from someplace called California had said circumstances are the horseshit that fertilized flowers. Doc and Purvis hadn't been able to tell him what that was supposed to mean, either.
Elise thought she would find something else to do. She had to focus on something else before all this negativity ate her alive. She stepped outside and picked up the newspaper and looked at the headlines for a moment. She thought some news might be just what she needed.
Vernon awoke to another shriek. He figured it was just another extension of the shoe incident and rolled back over and went to sleep. He didn't want to hear about cheerleading shoes anymore.
Spook usually wasn't up this early, but Chad and Luis had just come by and the Chalupa Ponies had broken up. Chad and Luis decided to join another band with that little punk Corey Burton. Corey Burton was a faker and he couldn't write songs for shit, and in either case, he still did his homework. They were going to call themselves "Jimmy Hoffa's Missing Head." It was a typical sorry-ass junior high band name. Spook decided he would continue the Chalupa Ponies except it would just be him and whoever he felt like having around. That's how all the good bands worked anyway, he figured.
Spook looked out of his garage window and saw Elise sitting on the back step crying. He craned his neck, but didn't see her cheerleader friends around. Spook took a deep breath. This was his big chance; the time to strike was now.
Elise looked up with her blurry puffy eyes and saw Leonard standing in front of her. She tried wiping her eyes and smiling. She didn't want to look like she was dwelling on the negative.
"Wassup," said Spook.
Elise sniffled and shook her head. "It's nothing."
"Well, if you, you know, want to talk or something, I'll be over in the garage. My name is Spook. Don't worry about coming in if you hear some music going or something, I'm just working on some new songs," Spook said with his best indifferent air.
"Thank you," Elise sniffed.
Spook was about to turn to leave when Elise suddenly stood up and embraced him. Spook embraced her back with a relieved smirk. No one could resist the Spook, he thought.
"I'm sorry. You're just so sweet. I just don't know what to do. She's dead," whispered Elise.
"Who's dead?" asked Spook.
Elise just shook her head and began crying again. She handed him the newspaper and pointed at a page before continuing her sobs.
Spook read the headline: "Self-help Guru Dies at Convention."
"Margaux Maddux, acclaimed writer of A Better Me, A Better You died yesterday. She had been giving a presentation based on her latest best seller 40 Steps to a Happier You! in Pasadena when she collapsed. One eyewitness reported, 'She was just telling us how to achieve our true beauty potential and she just stopped and got this funny look on her face. She asked if someone was burning cabbage and then she just fell over.'
"Initial results indicate that a brain tumor was the likely cause of death. Dr. Santiago Belize, head of neurosurgery at Holy Virgin Medical Center indicated the symptoms of Ms. Maddux's tumor would have likely gone unnoticed aside from possible episodes of euphoria and delusions."
"She knew everything. She was like a mother to me and I never even got to go see her. I had reservations to go see her with my mom in Tampa," sobbed Elise.
Spook put his arm around her. She felt so warm and firm. He knew that she wanted him. "It's okay. Here, let's go over to my garage. I've been working on a song for you. It'll cheer you up."
Elise felt so happy she had been right about Leonard. He was a warm and caring individual who seemed to really be at peace with his own inner beauty. She liked how it felt when he had his arms around her.
The ghost couldn't stand anymore. He chose to relive his murder instead of watch where the encounter was undoubtedly heading. He saw the hammer and felt the initial stunning blow in his temple. Couldn't be any worse than watching those two, the ghost thought as his assailants crushed the life out of him for the thousandth time.
Spook led her back to the garage and played "Sweet Piece Elise" for her and then they talked for a little while. That is when they had sex. The details aren't really important, but they did have sex.
As Elise lay on the garage floor with Spook she played with his arm hair and thought about how positive she was feeling. She would get the girls together and they would skip cheer camp today and do something really special for Uncle Vernon. Then she would go to her room and write her best friend at home, Missy, and tell her all about Leonard and how sweet he was and how they had slept together.
Spook was lying face down. He felt Elise messing with his arm, but he didn't much care; he was falling asleep. He would show those little fucks in "Jimmy Hoffa's Missing Head" when he showed up with Elise at his next gig. They'd all wonder how he had snagged her and then he'd tell them how they had done it in his garage because she was so turned on by "Sweet Piece Elise." That would show them. If not, maybe he'd start studying accounting instead, it all seemed about the same to him either way. There would just be more homework in accounting.
Vernon finally rolled out of bed about two in the afternoon. He hadn't heard any shrieks in a while so he thought it was probably safe to come out. He walked stiff-legged down the hall. Doc and Purvis were sitting in the porch area again. Their tails wagged vaguely when they saw him. Vernon poured a glass of milk and sat down at the kitchen table.
He sat there for a minute, wondering if he should call Peter, just to let him know he was thinking of him. He wasn't really thinking of Peter, but Rita had made him do that every hour on the hour when he was at work before he had broken her plates and she had left. He really hadn't been thinking of her, but he got in the habit of calling her. She never seemed to be happy to hear from him, but if he didn't call she'd throw things at him when he got home. Vernon was thinking about calling Peter when he thought he heard something coming from the basement.
He listened for a moment, and he definitely heard something in the basement. Elise and her friends were supposed to be at cheer camp. Vernon wondered if the same people who had broken into the basement when he and Rita had gone to Omaha were back. Vernon put on a pot of coffee. If they had broken back into the basement, the least he could do was offer them a pot of coffee.
When the coffee was ready he grabbed the pot and three cups. He could only really carry three cups at once and almost dropped one anyway. He thought about letting it fall, but decided it wouldn't be as rewarding as dropping collector plates. He descended the stairs and peeked around the corner. What he saw turned his face white. He ended up dropping the coffee cup anyway.
Standing in front of Vernon were four girls, each wearing cutoff shorts and old t-shirts. They all had their hair tied back or were wearing hats. It took him a moment to realize that one of them was Elise. She beamed at him, a streak of varnish running across her cheek.
"Surprise, Uncle Vern," she bubbled.
Standing in the middle of the room, plain as day, were four freshly refinished wooden chairs. Vernon scanned the room desperately trying to find the ones that Rita's father had given them, but he couldn't see them. There were only the four varnished chairs standing exactly where the old unfinished ones had stood.
The ghost shook his disfigured head. Good luck trying to get him to go with Elise now, the ghost thought. The poor fellow had gone off his nut. The ghost hadn't had any company since 1960, not counting his visitors in1964, and he wasn't really looking forward to getting Vernon now. Why couldn't he get Doc and Purvis? They were as much company as he cared to have.
Vernon felt something rising in his stomach and working its way up his spine. He vaguely remembered the sensation. It was hot and sweaty and burning. It wasn't a newfound appreciation for life. It wasn't even the desire to live. It was irritation: pure, hot and churning irritation.
It had been so long since he remembered feeling anything other than tired and vaguely itchy that he didn't know exactly how to react. Elise and her little cheerleader friends didn't seem to notice and instead continued with the finishing touches on the chairs. After a moment, Vernon nodded stiffly and walked back up the stairs.
When Elise and her friends came flying back up the stairs twenty minutes later they found Vernon sitting at the table staring at a "to-do" list, shaking his head and muttering "Goddamn plate rack" over and over. Elise had no idea what he was talking about, but she knew it couldn't be about her. She and her friends gathered their things and went to Shanice's dorm room to have pizza and watch a video of the three previous years' cheerleading finals.
The ghost had decided to relive his murder another two or three times after he saw the chairs. Now he was looking around the house to see if he could find Vernon's body, with or without a head, lying around. When he came to the kitchen he saw Vernon staring at his to-do list. Doc and Purvis cocked their heads and watched Vernon whispering the same line over and over. They wanted dinner, but it didn't look like Vernon would be feeding them for a while. The ghost sighed and saw the hammer strike him and a crimson streak of liquid go flying off his head into the darkness of the basement.
Vernon tried to call Peter, but Peter was gone for the day. Janice was gone, too. If seeing the finished chairs had filled him with dread or relief or anything other than irritation he would have been happy. He would have known exactly where he stood in relation to the infinite somewhere he had signed himself up for on the last line of Rita's "to-do" list. But he was just irritated. It was his project. They were his chairs to finish and when he had finished them, then he would finish the list. But Elise had finished the chairs. For a moment he thought about trying to talk her into finishing the list for him, too. Upon picturing it he could only visualize Elise giggling at him as if he had told a joke and then telling him something Margaux Maddux had said. Hearing Margaux Maddux would probably be enough motivation for him to finish the list himself, but for now he didn't know what he wanted to do.
The four of them waited in the kitchen, expectantly, for three hours. Well, Vernon, Doc, and Purvis waited expectantly. The ghost would wait for a little while and then die again and then would wait for little longer and then repeat the process.
Finally as dusk began settling over the neighborhood and the kitchen turned an eerie bluish-grey, Vernon stood up. He made a quick note on his list and headed down to the basement. Doc and Purvis followed him and the ghost pulled his shattered leg, and broken pelvis along behind them. When the ghost arrived he saw Vernon standing by the workbench where the shotgun lay underneath its oily rag. This time the ghost didn't die again, but watched with a mix of anticipation and dread. Doc and Purvis wagged their tails limply hoping that their presence would remind Vernon to fill their food dishes.
Vernon was scribbling on a piece of paper at the workbench. He thought he faintly smelled rancid meat, but didn't think much of it. He did smell rancid meat. The ghost was standing right over his shoulder, looking to see what Vernon's final words to the world were going to be. What he saw was a series of numbers and a couple of lines.
Vernon pushed the shotgun aside and grabbed a piece of wood and a tape measure and placed them squarely on the table. At the top of the piece of paper he had scrawled "Plate Rack". The "to-do" list was his and he had to finish it. It was his list. No one else would be able to do it because of the last item. And he'd be damned if some perky cheerleaders would ruin it for him. The list just wouldn't mean anything if it wasn't all his. He'd finish the plate rack and then give it to Peter as a surprise. Then he'd finish the list. But for now, he had to finish the plate rack. It had been on the list and he never should have crossed it out. It was all about the list.
Doc and Purvis sprawled out on the basement floor and wondered if they'd ever get their dinner.
Excerpt from "All Things Right and Beautiful"
©2004